Thursday, August 27, 2009

Because Twitter is too effing short!!

Hey everyone...as you can see by my last post, it has been WAYYYY too long since I last blogged. I guess it's because I just haven't found the inspiration in a long time. The overwhelming response to a simple Tweet yesterday has gotten my ass off the proverbial blogging couch, so to speak.

For several years now (indeed, since I started having children at the age of 20) I have struggled with my weight. When I was pregnant with Peej I gained 65 pounds, losing 30 of it almost immediately, putting me at a very comfortable size 12 (I had been a "perfect" size 8 before). I'm fairly tall for a woman at 5'8" so a few extra pounds on me was always easy to hide slash redistribute. When Chrisco came along, I was the heaviest I'd ever been, tipping the scales at 252, losing only 18 pounds after his birth. I went on the Atkins Diet when he was about a year old and within a year, lost 70 pounds. I was never so happy in my life to once again fit into a size 12! My elation however, was shortlived, because as soon as I went back to trying to eat like a normal human being, the weight came back. After B-grrl was born two years later, I was still tipping the scales at 200+ pounds, but was in fairly good shape, so I wasn't worried as much as I had been in the past. I spent about eight and a half years bouncing from about 195 lbs to 205 lbs with generally good health. And then last year happened...

In March of last year, I got a new job... with the new job came the new clothes and I was sooo happy to be buying size 14 and even a few size 12's... I looked good, I felt good, and my new job was going very well (or so I thought). That job only lasted six months, tragically. I had a real hard time with the long commute and with the constant inter-staff competition (and out and out sabotage, frankly), and decided to return home. Having only a high-school education, three kids, a husband and a house to pay rent for, I chose to return to T.H.'s as a full time employee (which ironically, is making me more money than my 'dream job' was). Within three months, I had gained 20 pounds. I know what you must be thinking, if you know what T.H. stands for, but I tell you honestly and truly, I very very VERY rarely ever eat there. I find most of their food too heavy, sugary and expensive to eat there. I don't drink full-sugar sodas (haven't for a very long time because I'm hypoglycemic), and I don't generally eat heavy meals for dinner because I'm in bed by 8:00 p.m. every night (having to get up by 4:00).

To add insult to injury, Hubby got laid off in December (he is still jobless, for the most part, save for a few hours a week delivering pizzas), so my time after work is largely spent getting household chores done, and looking after my three children and husband. This is all assuming I haven't had a rough day at work, because eight hours in drive-thru very often leaves me exhausted (especially when I'm supervising) and barely able to move. I have problems with my back (from falling on ice while very pregnant with Chrisco 13.5 years ago), with my left knee (Osgoode Schlatter's disease that I still have the bump from when I was 10 years old), I have a bunion on my left foot the size of a ping-pong ball and now my reproductive organs are taking a header causing even more pain (it's a genetic thing with the women in my family that we all have had or will have full hysterectomies by the time we're 40... in case you did not know, that's only 3 years away for me). My body is literally falling apart, and I KNOW, yes I DO KNOW the weight on top of all of it isn't helping! I KNOW IT!!

The other day, I stepped on the scale for the first time since last December and was gobsmacked to see the numbers 254 screaming back at me. I knew I was heavy....but heavier than I was at 9 months pregnant with Chrisco? Are you effing shitting me?!!! I sat and cried for an hour, feeling very out of control and completely useless. I had established last time, that although Atkins worked for me very well (because it focuses on low-carb selections, which was good for my hypoglycemia), it wasn't good for me in the long term, so trying that was out. All my usual methods for getting a hold of my weight were either obsolete or no longer feasible...

When I mentioned resources that I was lacking, I didn't mean just a place to 'work out'. I have a walking route around my neighbourhood that, if I do the whole thing, covers 2.5 miles (not kilometres, MILES), and I could do that every day. I used to have an elliptical machine, but the only one I could afford at the time was a piece of crap and I spent more time trying to keep my feet in the footholds than I did actually using the damned thing. Our gyms here in town are fairly reasonably priced, but with me working full-time just to keep our heads above water financially (and trust me, we're using snorkels to get air here!), spending anything on something like that just isn't feasible, plausible or practical right now. Besides, when would I do this? I'm up at 4 a.m. every morning, work from 5:30 to 1:30, go home and do laundry/household chores/whathaveyou, make dinner, clean up after dinner (or get Peej to do it, heh) and then I'm in bed by 7 or 8 p.m!!

Honestly people, I'm NOT trying to garner sympathy here, I'm just trying to convey to everyone just how effing HARD it is to get where you want to go when your ass is laminated into your never-ending cycle of ACK!!!

I think I'm done with this gargantuan post. Any suggestions or comments you wish to make (that goes for my Twitter followers too, yaknow *smile*) are more than welcome at this point. I feel like I'm never going to be healthy again, never going to be able to do the things I want to do without physical and emotional pain. Thank you all again for your support and love... that combine with the same from my wonderful Hubby and kids are really all that's keeping me going at this point. I love each and every one of you and wish you all joy and peace.

4 Comments:

At 4:05 PM , Anonymous Pischina said...

You know I understand exactly what you're saying. Can you do the 2.5mile walk every day? Can you run it a little bit at a time? Can you get a used bike?
I struggled for so many years and still the weight piled on. I'm convinced that sometimes we really have no control. I don't know why working out is working for me now, because it did NOT for four years. But if you can find something cheap and decide to stick with it for six weeks no matter what (because sometimes it takes a month for any results to show) then maybe that will help. I don't believe much in diets as long as you're eating correctly and not exhorbitant amounts. I think exercise is the only way to go, you just have to find something you like. Can the kids walk/jog/ride bikes with you?

 
At 7:16 PM , Blogger Kat said...

I totally get where you're coming from. I feel like in order for me to find time to go to a gym I'd have to either skip work, quit cleaning the house or stop hanging with the kids (when I'm not wanting to kill them). Back when I was working the drive thru at TH I would come home so tired I could barely lift my head, and of course then you've got to clean the house and look after the family.

I know that when I complain about my own weight folks always tell me that I should just be happy with me, and accept myself, stop the self hatred. But the thing is that I'm worried for health reasons, same as you.
As of the beginning of Sept. I'm re-signing up for Sparkpeople.com it's a free site that has free (on Youtube) exercise videos, diet help and even food, exercise trackers. I'm hoping that this will change my lifestyle, I think that's the key to weight loss. A diet is only good as long as you stay on it, but if you change your lifestyle, that's a permanent solution.

 
At 9:09 PM , Blogger Rae said...

Have you tried south beach? It's a odified Atkins,and is over all much better for you. That plus the walking never hurt.

*hug* Wish we saw more of eachother, but life is retarded all over.

 
At 7:38 PM , Blogger ThriceBlessed said...

I know exactly where you are coming from. I am in the middle of the struggle too, and I'm even heavier than you. YOu have my prayers. If you want drop my weight loss blog, see if anything I'm doing looks feasible for you.

 

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